‘My name is Alex Drake. I’ve just been shot and that bullet has sent me back to 1981…’
Ashes to Ashes, created by Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharoah, was broadcast in 2008–10. It told the story of today’s Detective Inspector Alex Drake, transported back to 1980s London, where she encounters the three Manchester coppers we met previously in Life on Mars.
Now, Life on Mars, wrote A. A. Gill in the Sunday Times, was ‘one of those rare TV shows that boys thought was actually made for them’. So the sequel – this being the BBC (see also: QI, Top Gear, Match of the Day) – replaced the male lead, Sam Tyler, with a woman. ‘Why?’ asked Gill. ‘Why take one of the few robustly male bits of evening TV and gratuitously cast a girl to femme it up?’
He was right. It’s all a bit half-cocked. The hoped-for sexual chemistry between Alex Drake and Gene Hunt doesn’t materialise, her hallucinations are frankly tedious, and it’s hard to care whether or not she’s going to get back to the present day for her daughter. Certainly, none of it is a match for the bickering and bonding of the boys.
Still, it was a fine illustration of how the 1980s were seen a generation on, so here’s a guide to what we learnt in each of the twenty-four episodes.
1981
Episode 1
DI Alex Drake arrives in 1981 in the midst of an undercover operation, where she’s posing as a prostitute at a yuppie boat-party on the Thames. ‘Blimey! If that skirt was hitched any higher, I could see what you had for breakfast,’ says DCI Gene Hunt. (No one’s been promoted in the last eight years.) It’s all too much for DSgt Ray Carling. ‘Women DIs should look like a cross between Betty Turpin and the HMS Ark Royal. They should not look shagworthy.’
Luigi, an Italian restauranteur, puts on a pained smile as the officers sing Joe Dolce’s ‘Shaddap Your Face’ to him.
Episode 2
Prince Charles is getting married to Lady Diana Spencer. ‘Apparently she was the only posh virgin they could find,’ leers DSgt Ray Carling, but come the actual ceremony, he has a tear in his eye. ‘Nobody does this better than us. Nobody.’
Not everyone’s thrilled for the happy couple, though. ‘It’s a charade, to paper over the cracks of mass unemployment and the wholesale destruction of working-class communities.’ So says a publican on the Isle of Dogs, who objects to the redevelopment of the London Docklands. ‘Generations of skilled workers drank here. Now they’ve all been chucked on the slagheap by Thatcher and Heseltine. Homes destroyed to make buildings and offices, with no new homes built to replace ’em.’ As Gene Hunt says, ‘It’s like a powder keg round here, waiting for a spark.’
The publican’s son is a fan of the Pop Group. Alex Drake bumps into WPC Shaz Granger and DC Chris Skelton at the Blitz Club, where Steve Strange is miming to Visage’s ‘Fade to Grey’. Carling isn’t impressed: ‘New Romantics? Bunch of suburban poofs wearing doilies on their heads.’
‘I’ve had dinner with Germaine Greer,’ namedrops Drake. Hunt refers to Margaret Thatcher as the Great Handbag. The lead headline on the TV news is: ‘Egypt has made another move against Islamic fundamentalists’.
Episode 3
Gene Hune calls Alex Drake (the privately educated Oxbridge graduate, whose parents are lefty lawyers) a ‘bitter, twisted, messed-up, clenched-arsed, toffee-nosed bitch’. DSgt Ray Carling is pithier: ‘All fur coat and no knickers.’
A traumatised rape victim won’t talk to anyone, until Carling wins her confidence. Drake refers to Monica Lewinsky as ‘Some girl tipped to go down well in the White House’. Hunt points out that it’ll be hard to get a rape conviction on the uncorroborated evidence of a prostitute – ‘about as much chance of convincing this jury as Michael Foot has of becoming prime minister’.
An inquiry is hampered for fear of upsetting a Freemason. A black gospel choir sings ‘Oh Happy Day’. DC Chris Skelton has a kebab for lunch – ‘Looks like a bloody pasty with its arse hanging out,’ says Hunt.
Episode 4
Gene Hunt sums up what he knows about a murder victim: ‘Lived alone with his mother, kept a stack of Colour Climax close to his left hand, and liked wearing army surplus.’ He also worked as a security guard at a weapon-research establishment and was mixed up with the Revolutionary Workers Front. The RWF – explains WPC Shaz Granger – ‘grew out of the core of the International Workers Front when they split from the United Socialist League. I’d class them as Trotskyists.’ Hunt goes to a meeting in a room above a pub. They’re all women. ‘This is a new kind of protest politics, and we’re in the vanguard,’ says a speaker. ‘Women have a voice that needs to be heard.’ So not very Trotskyist at all, then; more Greenham Common than Gramsci.*
Alex Drake calls in to see her mother, who has odd ideas of hospitality: ‘Help yourself to cheese – if you like Danish Blue.’ While there, Drake pops into her childhood bedroom, where there’s a Jackie annual, and ‘Green Door’ by Shakin’ Stevens is on the cassette-player.
* I know this is ideologically inaccurate, but phrase-making got the better of me.
Episode 5
A gangster is homosexual, or as Gene Hunt says, he’s ‘a fairy, a queen, a fudge-packing ponce’. This isn’t unknown among criminals, of course. ‘Ronnie Kray is a bum boy,’ points out DSgt Ray Carling, and DC Chris Skelton is incredulous: ‘One of the Krays is an arse-bandit?’ WPC Shaz Granger – as befits an habitue of the Blitz Club – is more enlightened. ‘Girls, boys; masculine, feminine. When it comes down to it, we’re all a bit of both.’
Hunt doesn’t rate the judicial system. ‘Bloody judges. Couldn’t recognise a villain if he burnt his house down, raped his wife and jumped up and down on her head right in front of his stupid bloody beaky face.’ What about juries? ‘Don’t even get me started on juries.’ Interpol? ‘Garlic munchers. Couldn’t ID Hitler if he stormed their building in one of his Panzers.’
Episode 6
‘Have you seen these prices?’ marvels DC Chris Skelton in a ‘classy’ restaurant. ‘£3.20 for a T-bone steak without the chips.’ Skelton and Ray Carling play Space Invaders and try to solve a Rubik’s cube. ‘Passive smoking kills,’ tuts Alex Drake.
A young white woman, who’s married to a white man, gives birth and, in the words of her brother, ‘out popped a coffee-coloured nig-nog nipper’. An Asian shopkeeper says, ‘All Welsh people sound like they come from Calcutta.’ According to Luigi, who’s Italian, ‘All Englishmen, in the art of seduction, are pathetic. No passion.’
Episode 7
Chris Skelton has a Betamax video-player. WPC Shaz Granger quotes Don Quixote. So is she a reader? ‘Not really. You can get everything off the telly.’ She got the Cervates quote from University Challenge.
A man raising funds for Children in Need is robbed, and Shaw Tayor recreates the event on Police 5, while on the radio Terry Wogan expresses his sympathy. The Chief Superintendent – who says he’s a friend of Syd Little – suggests that Alex Drake is the Met’s own Juliet Bravo, or possibly The Gentle Touch. Skelton thinks she’s more like Miss Jones on Rising Damp.
Skelton and Granger go on a call together. They could be Macmillan and Wife, says Skelton. ‘More like BJ and the Bear,’ suggests Ray Carling. Skelton and Carling are starstruck when they see ventriloquist Roger de Courcey and Nookie the Bear.
Some criminals turn up who have no known priors:
Hunt: New kids on the block?
Drake: Now that is a good name for a boy band.
Hunt [hands over sheet of paper]: Chris, take that. List of dodgy car dealers, East 17.
Skelton: Oh, right, backstreet boys.
Carling: Let’s get ’em busted.
Episode 8
Gene Hunt isn’t a fan of Ken Livingstone – ‘that newt-hugging bastard from the GLC’. He’s not very flattering to Alex Drake, either: ‘I’ve seen your rump, and I’ve seen more padding strapped to Ian Botham’s legs.’
There’s a Gay Pride march, and among the ‘pillow biters’ and ‘beaver munchers’ who are arrested is Tom Robinson. Drake tells him his future: ‘You end up on Radio 6, you fall in love with a woman and you have two kids.’ Carling objects to being tricked into buying ‘2–4–6–8 Motorway’, which is ‘a man’s record about driving. If you want to make poof music, you should dress up as a Red Indian or a builder – I mean, people get that.’
After a visit to the station, Lord Scarman says he’ll be keeping ‘a beady eye’ on Hunt: ‘The police harassment of sexual and racial minorities is an endemic, ineradicable disease threatening the very survival of our society.’ Hunt replies, ‘In twenty years’ time, when the streets are awash with filth and you’re too frightened to leave your big, posh, Belsize Park house after dark, don’t come running to me, mate.’ He ends with a defence of old-school coppering: ‘You can despise us, you can disown us, you can even try and close us down, but you will never break us, because we are police officers. We are brothers. We are un-bloody-breakable.’
DSgt Ray Carling dismisses the learned judge as Lord Scarshole.
1982
Episode 9
The Task Force is setting sail for the Falkland Islands.
Superintendent Charlie Mackintosh says things have changed. ‘The City awash with new money and new crime, and we’re asked to police it with one hand tied behind our back.’ The old perks no longer apply. ‘The days of taking home a side of beef because the butcher appreciated you keeping the streets clean? Gone. The days of asking your mate in Traffic to rip up a parking ticket? Gone.’
A stripper in a Soho club does a highwaywoman act to the accompaniment of Adam the Ants’ ‘Stand and Deliver’. She wants to be an actress, but Gene Hunt tells her this isn’t the right way to do it. ‘Felicity Kendal didn’t get where she is by taking her clothes off.’ Then he looks quizzical. ‘Did she?’
Hunt quotes Charlie Rich. Luigi, the Italian restauranteur, thinks Rod Hull is a ventriloquist. DSgt Ray Carling saw Russell Harty interviewing Grace Jones: ‘A big poof and a diesel dyke’.
Episode 10
The Argentine troopship Belgrano has been sunk. ‘We’re really giving those Argies some shit,’ approves DSgt Ray Carling, but WPC Shaz Granger is more sympathetic. After all, the Argies are conscripts. ‘Do you have any idea how young some of them are?’
A murder enquiry is hindered by non-cooperative gypsies. ‘Bunch of pikeys protecting their own,’ says Gene Hunt. But the real problem is DSupt Charlie Mackintosh protecting a fellow Freemason. He has Hunt initiated, though the Gene Genie’s not really committed to the Craft. ‘I hate the poofy, freaky, creepy, weirdy, trouser-hitching, nipple-wagging, bloody Masons.’ The real shock is that Ray Carling is a Tyler. (The Tyler is the outer doorkeeper of a Lodge – as though I need to tell you that, you of all people.)
‘Looking very chirpy,’ Hunt says to Alex Drake; ‘you been sitting on the washing machine again?’ Hunt is present when a woman gives birth in a field. ‘I’m never going to let Luigi cook me lasagne again.’ There’s a new product on the market: Super Glue. HMS Sheffield is sunk.
Episode 11
A militant animal rights activist is in jail, having resorted to bombing. ‘Marches, sit-ins and petitions – what have they achieved?’ he argues. He’s on hunger strike, but in the wake of Bobby Sands and the other IRA terrorists, no one’s paying much attention. ‘Public have had a bellyful of hunger strikers,’ says Gene Hunt.
DSgt Ray Carling isn’t impressed by the names on a petition. ‘Virginia Hazelgrave. Geraldine Wellcroft-Bell. Poshos. They’re the ones who join these animal rights groups.’ There is one activist with a class analysis, though: ‘The working class are bled for profit. So are animals. Only the animals have got it so much worse. They’re part of the power struggle.’
There’s a bloke with a copy of The Joy of Sex (1972), and as Hunt says: ‘Never trust a man who owns a sex guide. There are some things you should know how to do without reading a manual.’
Episode 12
Gene Hunt gives a runaway girl from Liverpool the fare home and some words of advice: ‘Have a lovely life stealing hubcaps and being over-sentimental.’ She’s been targeted by a corrupt cop and a crooked businessman, who run sex parties where virgins are auctioned off, and who don’t stop at rape and murder.
There are some old favourite themes. ‘Never trust a man who gives to charity,’ says Hunt, while DSgt Ray Carling offers, ‘Women in the police force – it’s just not right.’ And Alex Drake tells off a pregnant woman for smoking.
WPC Shaz Granger wants to get DC Chris Skelton home early so they can watch Brideshead Revisited. Hunt proposes a toast in the office – and all the men take out their hipflasks.
Episode 13
DSgt Ray Carling is despondent. ‘The days of coppers being seen as heroes, love, are gone. We’re not even liked. In fact, we’re hated by some.’
‘TV in the afternoon is for students with greasy hair and the clinically insane,’ says Gene Hunt. ‘And my Auntie Irene,’ replies DC Chris Skelton. ‘Mind you, she is insane. She thinks she’s married to Malcolm Muggeridge.’ A burglar known as Metal Mickey commits his crimes while wearing a mask of Margaret Thatcher. Two women embrace and DC Chris Skelton comments, ‘It’s all gone a bit Martina Navarata… that tennis bird.’ Hunt feels that a line of enquiry is a waste of time, ‘about as useful as a pair of slippers to Douglas Bader’. He doesn’t rate ‘alternative comedians – meaning alternative to funny’.
Hunt shares some memories. ‘I have seen a woman from Hazel Grove put gerbils somewhere a gerbil should never go. I’ve seen a bloke from Billericay balance a budgerigar on his Hampton Wick.’ But a transexual villain takes the biscuit, ‘you gender-bending, weirdy-beardie freak of nature.’ Talking of which, says Skelton, ‘That Boy George, he looks like a woman.’ ‘Yeah, you fancied him before I told you,’ retorts WPC Shaz Granger. The two of them go to the movies to see Tootsie.
Episode 14
Talking of Boy George… ‘People are stupid,’ says a loan shark in a yuppie shirt, who’s preying on the poor. ‘Not up to me to look out for them.’ Alex Drake sums up his attitude as ‘There’s no such thing as society.’ Gene Hunt decides to search the premises: ‘I am betting that Riley’s office is crawling with evidence, like roaches in a Chinky.’
A man is setting up a Neighbourhood Watch group, but isn’t hopeful about participation. ‘It was a great success in America, but we’re different here, aren’t we?’ DSgt Ray Carling brags about his sex life. ‘I’m like Liberace.’ ‘The poofter?’ queries DC Chris Skelton, and Carling corrects himself, ‘No, the other one. What’s his name? Valentino.’
Hunt predicts that in twenty-five years, ‘we’ll all be zipping about in flying cars and living on the moon’.
Episode 15
Lafferty, a dodgy contractor, is running a major building contract in Docklands. ‘The freedom you’re so proud of in the West is freedom that allows people like Lafferty to act as they do,’ says one of his Polish workers. ‘He pays us less money than the English. Then he makes us pay for the tools that we use. If we want to smoke, take a break, take a piss, he makes us pay for that too.’
Hunt isn’t happy with a cup of tea made by WPC Shaz Granger: ‘Not enough sugar. Or milk. Or tea.’
Episode 16
There’s a bloke with the stage name King Dong; DSgt Ray Carling struggles to find the right words to describe him: ‘A coloured porn star with a big massive… A black porn star with a massive… Oh, he’s a chocolate lad with a great whopping knob.’
DC Chris Skelton has seriously blotted his copybook, which is why his colleagues look at him ‘how they look at Kurt Russell when they think he’s the Thing in, well, in The Thing’. Gene Hunt has a question for those who like Westerns: ‘Wayne, Stewart, Cooper or Eastwood?’ The correct answer – it appears – is Gary Cooper. Luigi’s most expensive wine is a Dolcetto at £8.50. ‘Eight quid?’ exclaims Carling. ‘I want the bloody bottle, not the vineyard.’
1983
Episode 17
Alex Drake has had an unfortunate makeover that makes her look like a Sheena Easton tribute act. Nobody mentions this.
DC Chris Skelton is using big words. ‘I told you reading Doris Lessing broadens the vocabulary,’ approves WPC Shaz Granger, while DI Ray Carling (he’s finally been promoted) laments that ‘she’s got you on the bloody lesbian poetry’.
A prisoner who escaped from Wormwood Scrubs has stolen a car and smashed it up – ‘now he’s permanently spazzed up in hospital,’ says Skelton. In similar vein, Gene Hunt calls Carling ‘Billy the Thlid’. Drake has to warn people about the dangers of blue asbestos.
Episode 18
Dating agencies are springing up all over the place, but DI Ray Carling is scornful: ‘They’re for sad losers.’ (He’s already registered as a client, of course.) Gene Hunt and Alex Drake go undercover as punters. When filling in the profiling form, Hunt says his favourite artist is Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass; Drake opts for Georges Braque. Hunt’s favourite film is High Noon, most admired person Winston Churchill. In response to Drake’s answer to that last one: ‘I’ve told you before,’ he insists, ‘Nelson Mandela is a terrorist.’
DC Chris Skelton wants to go to see The Return of the Jedi, but Carling points out that it’s a kids’ film, and suggests instead The Hunger: ‘Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon in a sci-fi lesbian romp.’ He doesn’t regret his choice: ‘I loved that bit when Susan Sarandon was slurping on Catherine Thingy’s titty.’ In Drake’s dreams, Hunt and the boys recreate Billy Joel’s video for ‘Uptown Girl’.
WPC Shaz Granger flies off the handle for no obvious reason, and Hunt tells her, ‘If you’re riding the cotton pony, you can bloody go home and do it.’
Episode 19
There have been arson attacks on an army barracks and a Tory councillor. Gene Hunt’s response? ‘I want every anarchist, commie, trotskyist, pinko, leftie, greasy-bastard student rounded up and brought in.’ One of them is a middle-aged woman. ‘She was arrested once on Greenham Common,’ says DC Chris Skelton. ‘She’s got a mural of Wedgie Benn. Knitted.’ A twelve-year-old boy is also nicked, but his age is no defence in Hunt’s eyes. ‘Little Jimmy Osmond was ten and look at the pain and misery he inflicted.’
There’s a general election. DI Ray Carling is a Tory – ‘Maggie’s got more balls than all of ’em’ – but not WPC Shaz Granger. ‘Labour is the only party that believes in equality and socialist principles,’ she says. ‘They would never have gone into a pointless war like the Falklands.’ ‘Actually, Shaz,’ interrupts Alex Drake, then thinks better of it. ‘Never mind…’
Attending the scene of a fire, Carling hears a woman’s voice from inside a burning building and has no hesitation in rushing in to rescue her. The fireman who then rescues Carling is a Falklands veteran, who’s suffering from PTSD. ‘He jumps if a door slams, or a car backfires,’ says his wife. ‘He scares the kids cos he wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming.’ He has ‘mental health issues,’ says Drake. ‘The Army lied, Thatcher lied,’ he says. ‘The war wasn’t worth losing my mates for.’
Hunt still doesn’t rate London, ‘this shandy-drinking, leotard-wearing, godforsaken southern shithole’. He thinks that DCI Jim Keats, who’s conducting an internal investigation, is a stooge for Met Commissioner Sir Kenneth Newman’s new regime at Scotland Yard. ‘You shove your nose any further up Newman’s arse, it’ll end up browner than bloody Ghandi in a heatwave.’ He also has thoughts on the allure of the emergency services. ‘All women enjoy a crafty little Kit-Kat shuffle when they think about firemen.’
Episode 20
DI Ray Carling says he sees WPC Shaz Granger as ‘a bloke with tits’. A man who was thrown out of a fifteenth-storey window, says Hunt, ‘bounced higher than Dolly Parton’s funbags’. ‘Nice tits,’ says a disabled DCI to Alex Drake. She’s shocked, but Hunt tells her not to take it too seriously. ‘Man’s a cripple,’ he says. ‘Have a heart.’
Hunt thinks he’s got the evidence to take down a villain: ‘Looks like young Danny boy’s going down faster than a five-pound prossie.’ There’s no time to hang around, though. ‘It’s the early bird that bags the bastard.’ Offered a cocktail, he asks instead for ‘a drink that looks like it hasn’t minced its way over from Mayfair’
Episode 21
Hardcase Manchester officer DCI Derek Litton is in town, with some advice for DI Ray Carling: ‘London’ll turn you soft as a plimsole full of shite.’ He’s got a cover story about why he’s here, but it doesn’t convince Gene Hunt: ‘It stinks like a month-old Chinky.’
He says he’s on the trail of an old-school northern comic Frank Hardwick, the kind who has a lavatorial fixation. Here’s a joke: ‘Reminds me of the Italian doctor. He thought an innuendo was a suppository.’ Here’s another: ‘How do you brainwash a policeman? Put him on a bidet.’
Backstage at the Laughter Place, an alternative comedy club, Alex Drake meets a young comic who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ben Elton. ‘You’re not the average fascist bully boy,’ he quips. ‘You must be police intelligence. Or is that a contradiction in terms.’ She’s unimpressed and gets him in an armlock up against the wall. ‘You want to know what’s really funny? In twenty years’ time, you’re going to be fat, bald and writing soft-rock musicals.’ Hunt is more direct and knees him in the crotch – well, we already know his view of alternative comedy.
Carling and Skelton body-pop to Freeez’s ‘IOU’.
Episode 22
A prison riot turns into a siege. It takes the women to understand what might have caused the problem. ‘The place is chocka. It was built to hold 500 – there’s nearly 2,000 in there,’ says WPC Shaz Granger. Alex Drake agrees: ‘Four to a cell, twenty-three-hour lock-ups, a bucket for a toilet.’ Gene Hunt is less sympathetic: ‘If you don’t like prison, don’t go around beating up old men and nicking their war medals.’
Drake refers to Hunt as ‘Braveheart in Paco Rabanne’.
Episode 23
‘Are we in Dalston, or did we just take a wrong turn into Bogobogo Land?’ asks Gene Hunt, as he leads a raid on a drinking club. It turns out to be a group of exiles from South Africa, a cell of ANC activists. ‘These people have been fighting against an abhorrent society,’ says Alex Drake, but Hunt’s having none of it. ‘They’re members of a terrorist organisation.’ Later, she interrogates the leader of the cell. ‘I have the profoundest admiration for your struggle,’ she tells him. ‘I argued against apartheid at my school’s inter-house debating society. And I very nearly won.’
DI Ray Carling has a view as well. ‘Look, I’m not saying I agree with apartheid, but just take a look at the rest of Africa – set of corrupt murderers. It’s like Liverpool, but with sunshine and elephants.’ ‘You’re the most intolerant, prejudiced man I’ve ever met,’ marvels WPC Shaz Granger. Carling denies that he’s racist, and when DC Chris Skelton challenges him on his dislike of the Welsh, he answers, ‘Yeah, well, I wouldn’t like them no matter what colour they were, would I?’ ‘Good point,’ acknowledges Skelton.
‘What are you doing tonight?’ asks Drake. ‘I’m going to a revival of The Caretaker at the Royal Court,’ says Hunt. But when she queries, ‘Are you?’, he replies tersely, ‘No.’ Which is just as well, because she wants to ask him out on a date. She quotes at him: ‘Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.’ ‘Is that Pam Ayres?’ he asks. But what are they like, Hunt and Drake? ‘Like Tom and Jerry,’ she suggests. ‘Eric and Ernie,’ he replies, to which she counters, ‘Abelard and Heloise.’ But he has the topper: ‘Saint and Greavsie.’ He’s got an even better comparison for her portentous prattling: ‘It’s like going out for a date with Leonard Cohen.’
Episode 24
SPOILER ALERT
Gene Hunt chides his team: ‘You lot had better be working like Chinamen on a bloody railway.’ He has a word for Alex Drake as well, about her earlier behaviour: ‘Your knickers headed south so fast they needed their own railcard.’
A gangland killing may have a European dimension. ‘Get onto Euro-Plod,’ says Hunt. ‘Let’s get our garlic-munching friends to put their horse burgers down and put tabs on who’s active.’ As he sends his team out to nick the gang, he gives them a briefing: ‘Right, they’re from Holland and they’re nasty. Apprehend with rampant prejudice.’
‘Very Lewis Collins,’ says DC Chris Skelton, as he poses in shades with a sawn-off shotgun. ‘More like Joan Collins,’ teases WPC Shaz Granger. ‘Oh, what a song!’ exclaims DCI Jim Keats as Wham’s ‘Club Tropicana’ comes on the car radio. Hunt’s go-to boxing reference is now Leon Spinks.
‘This whole place feels different,’ says Skelton. ‘I thought it was cos I switched to Denim for Men, but it’s something more.’ Indeed, it is. It turns out that they’re all dead. Gene Hunt was shot in his first week as a copper on Coronation Day, 1953. Coronation Day, huh? There’s gotta be some symbolism in that, surely.
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